Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
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interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.