imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
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My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Discuss
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.