Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?