imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
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The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
estão todos miauvindo?
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
not seeing the problem
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.