Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

going to bed

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.