imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
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When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks