Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

What do you call a priest that graduated from law school

Father in Law

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife:

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

A: You rocket!

#HatDadJoke

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.