Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
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My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.