Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
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I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…