imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
early stone age tool
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”
I wish I could veto my bills.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
