Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

“Are you ready to rock?”

Scissors: no

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong