Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
You Might Also Like
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.