Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
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Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
my first dose meeting my second
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.