Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
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Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Is this the real life?
Is this just
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying