imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
@funTweeters
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions