imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
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God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so