imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Always this one for me forever
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
