Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.