Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

[Pulled over]

Officer: license and registra- oh wow

Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

nyc:

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

on my driver’s license I look like a hobo

in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes

the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.