Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.