Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

I hope Alan is OK

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this

Shift.

I meant SHIFT!

Oh god.

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.