Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
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Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*