Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
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My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
weaknesses
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.