Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
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Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
Running from your problems is cardio .
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found