Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
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ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
an octopus is just a wet spider
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
*watches the world burn*
