Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
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Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s