Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.