Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
You Might Also Like
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
the composer
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.