Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
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My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Kermit goes Blue.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Webb. James Webb.
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
“You’d probably be more comfortable if you took more clothes off” is one of the dumbest lines that actually works on me
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”
Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up