Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

Lmao 😁

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

6-year-old: Is it cold outside?

Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.

6: I should stay home.

🪶

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’