Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
The cops knocked on my door and said, we’re looking for a burglar with one eye.
I said, wouldn’t it be better if you used both eyes.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
