Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
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Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
liiiiiiiiike
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.