Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
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Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
applying for a new job
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Guys which shade of gery should I get
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket