Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
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Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩