imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
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Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Is your wife single?
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.