Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed

COLLEAGUE: It’s not working

ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.