I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
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ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.