Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue

[Outside ER]

Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”

Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”