Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

Left at a local drug store…

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.