Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
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I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.