Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
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No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
i- i did not expect this
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt