Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
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“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
when dads have a rap battle
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.