Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

You were the one.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.