imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
