Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
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The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.