Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?

ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

They should make a moral fiber supplement

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”

– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night