Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
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pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school