Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
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At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”