imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
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*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Truth
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*