Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?