Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.