Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
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dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Venn
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you