Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
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honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
