Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

Amazon: Your order has been ship—

Me: *Track Package*

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

#Caturday

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’

*blows trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

😃

*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.