imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
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*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
PLOT TWIST:
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
File under excellent bookstore names.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Those are good neighbors.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.