Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
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As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
That’s easy for you to say
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away