Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas

my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED

Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill