Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker: