Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
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ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Lol.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅