Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
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Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!