Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

the internet really was better 18 years ago

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

be safe out there!

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

Look at this

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.