Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
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Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Happens to everyone.
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
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had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.