Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5