Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
![]()
You Might Also Like
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.