imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
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Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Squirrels before girls.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?