imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
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Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Hank is one in a melon.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid