imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
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I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Perfect.
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I put the h in mysterious.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish